Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
