You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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