I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
