Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
