do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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