I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
