Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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