At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The dick lei will go down in squad history
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
