You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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