Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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