did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
