oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Randomize
