I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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