Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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