I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
