what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
