fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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