If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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