she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
