Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
