I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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