K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
