Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
