I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
