so explain again why im purple
no
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
