wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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