I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
