I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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