I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
