went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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