i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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