i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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