Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
