just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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