so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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