Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
