He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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