All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
