I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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