you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
