i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
as a side note pls kill me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
