I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
