Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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