I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
