I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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