he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
