i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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