I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Farmville is her only friend.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
