I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
