u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
