she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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