I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Drake has all the answers
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
