i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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