i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
